This is me, with arms akimbo!

Check, my arms are akimbo.

Capt. Lauren Obvious: "I can't help but feel, since I started working, that time is not mine anymore."


Everyone nods in unison at the un-earth shattering, common-knowledge-as-fuck statement and wonders collectively if she's channeling Dr Phil.


Lauren Obvious continues, her fire stoked by the agreement: "It is shared. It is bought. It is owned. So the little free time that I do have I guard fiercely, like a mamma bear." 


Everyone applauds her never-before-used simile. 'Mamma Bear'? No one saw that coming.


She adds with more gusto, "Don't fuck with mine!"


Everyone exclaims, for lack of a better term and the energy to be sarcastic, "Amen sister!"


Lauren then reopens with a clanger:  "Don't waste it."


Everyone 'oohs and aahs' at this fresh new take on not wasting time. Real out-the-box stuff.


Gathering Juggernaut-momentum, Lauren gets brave: "If I don't feel like coming to your birthday, I'm sorry, I'm tired. Tired of trying to be everywhere all the time to please other people."


Everyone shifts uncomfortably. She pulled the birthday card.


She then really throws a spanner in the works with her unforeseen rhetorical questioning: "Would you do it for me? No? I wouldn't even hold it against you." 


Everyone stares with gaping mouths, shocked at how controversial she's being. 


She pauses for breath, dramatically, then adds: "Unless you're my best friend."


Everyone waits in antici-PA-tion.


She sucks her final breath for the one liner: "And I'm pretty sure I don't have 711 best friends."


Everyone appropriately responds with 'BOOM!' followed by a Z-click.